Time: Tue Mar 19 20:32:43 1996 Server: dilbert.cqs.washington.edu
From: firstname.lastname@example.org (Felix Sebastian Gallo) Date: 20 Mar 1996 09:34:55 -0600After our thrilling but heartbreaking near-comeback versus the Suspects last night, Golden Bears was in a bit of disarray for the LaggU game; we weren't sure who was going to show, and we hadn't even composed our postgame victory speech. While LaggU hooted and jeered and expressed their unfathomable support for the Sonics, we collected various players and wrote this post.
True to their name, LaggU had set up a server using packet radio, a geosynchronous satellite, a piece of pipe cleaner, and two ex-soviet telepaths who hand-transcribed packets on illuminated scrolls. However, in the pre-game, everything seemed okay, so we set about assigning roles as if we were playing a regular game. Which was a near-fatal, horrible mistake.
We passed; they chose Rom, with Dra and some other planet (Hyd?) agri, so we chose Fed with Can agri and the two side planets fuel.
LaggU managed to save about two, maybe three planets worth on Dra under the watchful eye of their base. We couldn't tell, because we couldn't touch Dra -- for the first 22 minutes of the game. At that time, I managed to get on Dra and bomb 1 of its 9 armies. Basically, LaggU had the massive army advantage to start.
And then the troubles really began. Lag cranked up to almost unplayable levels. And it wasn't just loss lag, or latency lag -- it was almost like server lag, but server lag where the local team still got to do stuff. Loss, too, spiked to levels where I would have to lock onto planets nine times to give myself a fighting chance at orbiting them. We were getting slaughtered on the front by roving packs of running, jumping CA clones.
In the mother of all indecent horrors, TEDDY RUXPIN managed to actually kill me, scout on scout, *twice*. Loss was *that bad*.
After a number of pauses due to ghostbusts, I went to scoutbomb. Four minutes later, I recovered control of my ship, bouncing off the far wall at Lyr, and we were down SIXTEEN planets to FOUR. Somehow, LaggU had managed to sneak carriers in between the listing, unmanned space hulks floating in our space and take our back agri and our entire right side. Imagine that. Ill will began to grow in our hearts. I died again and again and again to normally easily avoidable ASW.
The game paused. Frustrated, I went to go deal with a crashed machine. As I approached the machine room, I noticed a weird yellow glow under the door -- which was odd, because there's nothing in the room capable of emitting light. Fearing a fire, I hurriedly unlocked the door and went in.
Much to my surprise, there was Ged, rjones, and Crowbar!
"You're probably wondering what we're doing in your machine room," said Ged.
"We have mystically travelled great distances, old buddy, to help you in your current dilemma."
"But the lag...the horrible lag...surely nothing can be done, and we're doomed to actually lose to LaggU in the fetid pit of their broken home server," I wept.
Rjones spoke up. "Think, sunscreamer. I am the ghost of netrek past. Remember the way which brought you fame at first, and the methods we learned together."
"Yes," Crowbar said. "You must get ANGRY."
And then I felt it. My forehead vein began to pulse. The tendons on my neck began to stand out and writhe like angry snakes.
"Very good," said Ged. "The way is yet strong within you. Now there's just one thing."
"WHAT?" I shouted through red-dimmed haze.
rjones handed it to me. THE RUSTY CROWBAR OF SMITING.
"big ships," Ged said. "Big ships. You know the rest."
And then they disappeared.
After the pause, I poised my finger over my race's number at the entry selection screen and pressed The Key Which Means You're Serious.
TIME TO GET BUSY!
lavering teams of LaggU escorts smashed against us, but Duck and Mojo and Terence and I began to lock. And stomp. Time after time, Duck and I dodged lines to get into the backfield, sack the hapless red carriers and crack them open to get at the juicy armies inside. We got back another planet. Our scoutbomber started to exert back pressure on their carriers. We got back another planet. Streaking into their backfield cloaked, I came upon a cloaked AS. It dodged into friends, but my very last torp nailed it +6. We got back another planet. The ranging packs of CAs seemed more hesitant, less sure of how to handle the un-GB-like onslaught of heavy ships popping out of cloak right next to their treasured carriers and getting immediate lock.
For the first time in a couple of seasons, GB had air superiority over the front line. Escorts were irrelevant as red carrier after red carrier got ripped screaming from planets and sent to romulan valhalla. And then, with scant minutes to go, we tied. Their last ditch win efforts were shut down, and boom, we were in OT.
LaggU got the first four kills, which wasn't good. They clustered their takers behind their base and started to move forward. At the same time, Duck managed to get and keep a kill. LaggU's first take attempt was stymied when we whacked all their escorts and chased their carriers into third; around this time, I managed to surprise a CA in my BB and wax him. One of his friends tried to avenge him, but I had enough fuel to pour a line into him and det my way into an 89 damage 2 kill BB. Meanwhile, Duck murdered the running carriers.
I managed to get to the base and refit to a DD. Duck picked off our planets and went for the right side of the rom front line; I picked from the base, juked left to throw the incoming oggers off, and went for Ind @ 4.
Expecting this, LaggU had made Ind a slaughterhouse. Incoming CAs had put discretionary torps in the air exactly where my orbit was going to be; by the time I could slow and pick a new orbit, they would be all over me with lines.
Duck, under excellent escort, managed to get on Reg and zero it while I did the high-warp desperation dance between streams of torps.
And then, I noticed our scoutbomber lingering near Sir.
It was at 3.
He was alone at low warp.
I was heading from left to Ind, a line which happens to lead to Sir, too.
I dodged high over Ind through the middle of a torp stream, detting one far-off torp to throw the lockers. Within a second, there was only one ship to beat -- Teddy, I think, racing from above Reg to Ind in a SC. My heart stopped as our shield circles touched.
And that was all, because he wasn't watching the galactic. He didn't fire a shot, and rebel's escort was nearly irrelevant as I took for the win in green alert.
GB 11-8-1 LaggU. A great comeback after a massive nasty lag hassle.
MVP for them: Archmage, who took a whole lot of planets.
MVP for us: Mojo, who went 96 and 54 while carrying 63 and taking 11. Ow.